07.05.09
“Mom of the Week”
maybe some. some would be surprised. surprised my feelings get hurt. hurt so easily. do my best. give my all. guess what. doesn’t matter. still fall short. which could be bearable. bearable without another’s commentary. bearable if it were just between us.
05.31.09
“fit” 4/27/09
I keep reorganizing shelves and drawers. Am I hoping it will all make sense once everything is in its place? Hoping for my place? Where I belong? Will my soul forever drift on the open sea of heartbreak and despair or will it find its home? Will I let it find its home? Do I keep circling my place of belonging but my fears keep me from landing?
EXACTLY!
“who doesn’t long for someone to hold who knows how to love you without being told”
Thank you Natasha Bedingfield for understanding. (Soulmate)
10.31.08
wet blanket
heavy. tight. binding. suffocating. pain. panic. fear. overwhelming. grief. These years of unadmitted pain. The loss. The devasting loss of innocence. Of safety. Of comfort. Of compassion.
As I learn to breathe again. I learn to release. The weight of the uncried tears has made my soul weary. With every new breathe. I learn to cry. To accept. To forgive. To release. To look for joy. To accept kindness. Even from myslef.
08.14.08
Tribbles
Who hasn’t seen the old Star Trek episode “The Trouble with Tribbles?” These little creatures are interesting and cute at first but they begin to multiply at an alarming rate, all but taking over the star ship Enterprise endangering the crew and ship. Captain Kirk! Bones! Mr. Spock! What can be done to save the ship from this takeover?? Self-destruct??
Sometimes my thoughts are like the tribbles. One interesting thought leads to another that leads to another and soon I can find my mind being overrun. It’s maddening. And since I rarely take the time and put forth a real effort to chronicle them in my journal, they continue. Then I get to a place, be it physically, mentally, spiritually, that I am able to tell these stories and I find myself so overwhelmed I don’t know what write. More often than not my mind accumulates thoughts faster than I can even process them.
There is vast overcrowding in my mind. Maybe like a prison? Some get set free. Some are paroled but wind up coming back. Some are there for life.
So with all of these tribbles when did Captain Kirk find some quiet time to sort through them and deal with them? Quiet time? What the hell is that? Be still? Excuse me? After three and a half decades of avoiding any way I could, I now find myself overrun with so many thoughts and feelings I wonder some days if I can get them under control. Maybe I’ve had all of this going on but I just ignored it which automatically set me on self-destruct? Imagine what would have happened to the Enterprise and her crew had Kirk just avoided and ignored the tribbles.
Oh the lessons we can learn from the valiant crew of the starship Enterprise! Who knew?!
So understanding now that avoiding and ignoring these things only lead to self destruction, I can slowly begin to confront and address. Set free. Validate. Possibly even nurture.
07.18.08
too late
you ask to join me
I resist
thinking the consequences only halfway, I say okay
you stroke
you kiss
I resist
No! my heart pounds
No! my mind speaks
my body whispers, yes
this is what I’ve wanted all along
touch me
see me
make me real
but touch
this touch
this touch with motives other than pure
is not what I want
maybe what I wanted for so long
asked for
begged for
cried for
worked for
now I stand guard
knowing it was a mistake
to let desire run free
I want to be more than your body desires.
desire
was it a mistake letting desire run free
was it physical or did you want to make love to me
should I have kept my distance
should I have stayed cold
my heart aches
will you love me
can you love me
will I let you
can I
I shouted
sang
danced
painted
screamed
cried
my love for you
your silencce rang forever
your doubt dampened my flame
and now you want me to dance again
I’m tired
so tired, I say
Again! Again!
you pray
swearing this time you’ll
see
hear
feel
smell
taste
believe
me.
my love.
my heart.
my devotion.
but I’m so tired
I weakly say
06.11.08
Coming Unglued
As an office manager, I am in great demand to answer questions, give information, find missing office supplies, secure more comfortable desk chairs, crawl under a dusty desk to plug in a mystery piece of magical technology or fix something.
As a mom, I am in great demand to answer questions, give money, find a missing shoe, secure school supplies, crawl under a dust-bunny infested bed to retrieve said missing shoe, miraculouly fix a bike or pull lost homework out of thin air. And I wonder why I’m so tired at the end of the day!
A co-worker recently said I was needed because I am “the glue that holds everything together.” I wonder…what would happen if I come unglued? Who then would answer my questions, give me information, find my missing keys, crawl into some dark place to find or fix something for me? Then I realize, I would…eventually. I would get myself back together with all the Super Glue I can muster and get back on the horse. No matter how wild, unmanageable, unpredictable or chaotic the horse, I would do it all again as I’ve done so many times.
A good friend of mine gave me a card that says, “Life is divine chaos.” I wouldn’t have it any other way.
