thank you

•March 29, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I’d like to take this opportunity to graciously thank the little girl who was smart enough, creative enough, brave enough to find a way to save the sacredness of our soul – our spirit – from the neglect, hatred, and evil that surrounded us.

I’d like to take this opportunity to graciously thank the young teenager who was courageous enough to find ways to survive and endure our hell.

I’d like to take this opportunity to graciously thank the young woman who bravely faced the enemies who tried to rip our very soul from our being.

I am a pretty good mom – to myself – to them (as well as my son) because of them.

I am a loving, true, loyal friend because of them.

I am a generous, patient, wholehearted lover because of them.

I love animals, bubbles and running barefoot on a summer day because of their resolve.

I love art and music for their honesty because of their creativity.

I know how and when to stand my ground because of their determination.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

heaven and hell

•March 29, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I feel like I have one foot in heaven and one foot in hell.

I have a phenomenal life. A steady job that makes me proud. A teenage son – while albeit a teenager – a wonderful, kind, witty young man who brings joy to many. A proud mom, I am. With all the worry and guilt, I rest easy on other’s reports of his manners, kindness, intellect, sense of humor, creativity, and developing wisdom. A beautiful, kind, warm, hardworking, non-judgemental, compassionate, passionate woman who - for reasons beyond my comprehension – thinks she doesn’t deserve me. A woman who thinks the sun and moon of me. An incredible circle of friends – many of which have become chosen family. Friends that treat me like family. Friends who encourage me, support me, love me. Friends that love me enough to tell me the truth. Friends who hold me up and bring me back down to earth.

I suppose I am doing well enough to handle hell, again. Horrific nightmares. Decades old grief breaking through the ice of well-developed survival skills. Days spent visibly shaken from the repeated attacks my psyche is attempting to come to terms with. The nights filled with dreams that echo in the backdrop all the next day. Echos of footsteps on stairs. Echos of the pale moonlight coming through a dirty window. Echos. Hell. And while I know I will survive this hell – as I did before – the yin yang of this balancing act tends to leave this warrior weary.

Unfair! How unfair to have to relive hell. I grow bored with myself; talking about it, carrying it around on my sleeve, finding myself echoing the culture’s status quo of “get over it,” “pull yourself up.” The wiser, more compassionate part of me embraces the bloody, beaten, raped little girl – teenager – young woman – and loves her with patience. But this wise, compassionate part of me is not the part that gets up at six o’clock in the morning to make sure her son is up for school; makes sure they live in a clean, safe home; makes sure her son’s needs are met; makes sure her friends and chosen family – these precious relationships – are well-tended to like the beautiful garden that has grown; that makes sure the wonderful woman who stands beside her feels cherished; that goes to work; that does her very best to be productive, pleasant, helpful, patient, smiling at work – that tends to things that need to be tended to. Oh no – that takes the part of me that is the to-do list oriented administrator.

Oh to reconcile the two. I am banking on the certainty that one day I will and hell will subside, even if it’s just for a little while.

I am

•March 21, 2010 • Leave a Comment

5.6.7.8.9.

I am a little girl

trembling in terror because of the footsteps I hear coming closer

11.12.13.14.15.

I am a young teen

worried about getting pregnant

worried he’s going to kill me

wishing he would

18.

I am a young woman

struggling to break free

fighting a losing battle against an evil enemy

36.

I am a grown woman

bruised

beaten

broken

ripped to pieces

raped

raped

and raped again

pretending I’m okay…

I’m still here

•October 3, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I’m still here

bruised but not broken

I’m still here

bloody but unbowed

I’m still here

I have walked in your shame

I have carried the weight of your pain

I’m still here

I have cowered in fear

I have raged against my own name

I’m still here

You have taken piece by precious piece

I am here to reclaim

I no longer cower

I no longer rage

I claim the love you could not name

I’m still here

You have bludgeoned me with fists

I’m still here

You have clawed at me with phrase

I’m still here

You have trampled on my garden

and yet I remain

I’m still here

weary as a soldier too long at war

too timid to think there is peace evermore

I’m still here

I rejoice

I’m still here

I embrace compassion

I’m still here

I accept my jewels

I’m still here

golden rain from eyes caress my heart

heal my soul

ease the scars

that once stung

so brightly

I’m still here

joy will find its way home

•September 2, 2009 • Leave a Comment

blankets of it are peeled away
layers upon layers
dripping
i choke on the stench
clinging
i panic from the light
smothering
i learn to breathe
binding
i ache to soar
freedom will come
joy will find its way home

the moment

•September 2, 2009 • Leave a Comment

if i were to touch you would you be real

revel your softness

celebrate your curves

acknowledge your strengths. beauty. passion.

could you be there with me in the moment

if you were to touch me would i be real

could you be with me in the moment

feel my strengths

caress my weaknesses

honor my scars

could you be with me in the moment

could i

would i

dare i

your answer

•September 2, 2009 • Leave a Comment

a bloom in Spring

bright. beautiful. sweet. inviting. anticipating.

unnoticed. neglected.

hope cooled. petals wilted.

your resounding answer

not good enough

not good enough

not good enough

“Mom of the Week”

•July 5, 2009 • 1 Comment

maybe some. some would be surprised. surprised my feelings get hurt. hurt so easily. do my best. give my all. guess what. doesn’t matter. still fall short. which could be bearable. bearable without another’s commentary. bearable if it were just between us.

“fit” 4/27/09

•May 31, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I keep reorganizing shelves and drawers. Am I hoping it will all make sense once everything is in its place? Hoping for my place? Where I belong? Will my soul forever drift on the open sea of heartbreak and despair or will it find its home? Will I let it find its home? Do I keep circling my place of belonging but my fears keep me from landing?

EXACTLY!

•May 31, 2009 • Leave a Comment

“who doesn’t long for someone to hold who knows how to love you without being told”

Thank you Natasha Bedingfield for understanding. (Soulmate)

 
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